Our friend Porn

Ah! You sly, randy beast. Chances are that you are reading this for one of three reasons. 1. You actually enjoy what is written in this madhouse of a blog. 2. You have a parole officer with an incomplete knowledge of the 8th amendment and have been assigned reading this to work off some community service hours or 3. You thought it was going to be hot hot stuff from seeing the title. If you chose #3, shame shame shame and get to the confessional!

With all of the terrible news about the heat wave that is gripping a lot of the country and creating much perspiration and consternation for a lot of people, we are going to look at  meterology from a trans-continental perspective. Here in the scribblingdaddy blogosphere, we are committed to.... well not much, actually, but sometimes we like to take the global view on current events.

As a little known subcontractor of the National Aeronautic and Atmospheric Administration, I lead the thinktank The Institute for Nanospherical, Environmentalogical and Pyroclastic Terresterialization.   As this does not fit neatly on a standard-sized business card, we go by the acronym INEPT. We have a few core beliefs that guide us in our work: We will never shy away from faking data in order to get more federal funding and we love nepotism. With this in mind, let's take a look at the weather.

My 2nd cousin thrice removed, who is aptly named Sahara, has just been fired from her gig as chief meterologist for the Abu Dhabi region. During her interview, she spoke fondly of her love of hot desserts, but the word was mistranslated as deserts and she was hired on the spot. Her folly was to predict a snow and hail storm for the United Arab Emirates in July. Not surprisingly, Al-Jazeera skewered her and she was duly deported. At INEPT, we feel we have hit the jackpot- she embodies the spirit of our acronym and is sort-of a relative. 

At any rate, Sahara contacted our Southeast Asia correspondent, who is currently on the Thai-Burmese border covering Rangoon's military fashion scene. His name is Sutaporn Pwonphakdee Thamronglak Pwonphakdee. We just call him Porn.

Sahara contacted him via our preferred method of communication- the telegraph, so the exactitude of this transcript is dubious. Enjoy:

Sahara: Porn, are you there?

Porn: Yes, I am. Thanks for, ah, telegraphing me. Is it 1858 where you are?

Sahara: No, it's 2012. We would like to know if the heat wave that is gripping the US is like anything you have in Thailand.

Porn: Well, let me put it this way, we have a saying in Thai that goes like this: "ช่วยฉัน/ผมหน่อยได้ไหม คะ/ครับ."

Sahara: Ah, a little help on the translation.

Porn: It means that here we are used to it being "Bradbury hot." 

Sahara: Whaaaaat?

Porn: When you enter an un-airconditioned bus in Bangkok reading a book, the ambient temperature is around 451 degrees and the book will immolate in your hands. 

Sahara: Um, O.K. I'll have to look that one up later. 

Porn: We also have a lot of humidity. Your heat is more of the dry variety.

Sahara: Yeah, you try telling that to the Turkey at Thanksgiving!

Porn: Come again?

Sahara: You know, Thanksgiving. Last Thursday in November- Dallas Cowboys.

Porn: No. I'm Thai, but I do enjoy the re-make of the t.v. show Dallas- that J.R. is a hoot!

Sahara:  Alrighty then- welcome on board here at INEPT. We look forward to getting in touch with you in the future. 

Porn: Very good- I've got to go now- I have a call waiting from Christine Amanpour- she wants to do a reportage on why the Pattaya-Bangkok soccer game ended in a Thai.

 At this point, the connection was cut and we mercifully do not have the rest of the conversation to offer you...

If you have gotten this far, you are to be commended as this post was cooked (!) today while I was deleriously taking a noontime walk with no water to be found. John, my brother was the inspiration for this as he lived in Thailand for a while and was kind enough to take me there with him years ago. I take all the blame for the factual errors found herein.